Cutman Corner, featuring Ask the Cutman

November 9 2009, Dear Cutman, I would like to chime in on the recent post and reply by FCF (Fashion Conscious Fan). If this rule does come into existence, we all know that your so called chapeau will NOT pass the very stingy CSA rules of safety. We have all seen the size of your dome and I would recommend that Cutman Polytechnic's Research and Development Dept. do some reverse engineering on the bucket seen below:

Picture to come

I feel that this would be the perfect fit and offer the greatest amount of protection available for the Cutman's head. Anyways, I will be traveling the outback for the next 3 weeks with the pygmy's learning how to hunt king browns with a poison dart gun. I want to wish ALL the current Royals the best of luck for the rest of the hockey season.

Signed, Ruptown

Dear Ruptown; I'm sorry to say that the Famous Gazoo helmet, made popular in the Flintstone cartoon series, was proven to be structurally unsafe, after a lighting unit fell on Gazoo's head during a rehearsal at the Hanna & Barbara studios in 1965. Writer Ralph Goodman's story line had to be quickly altered to account for the Great Gazoo's absents from the series while he recovered from his injuries in an Intergalactic Hospital. Cutman Polytechnic is working on a new CSA approved lid that is both protective and functional.

Picture to come

Ruptown have fun in the Outback...but if you find any pygmy's, you're on the wrong continent (unless you mean the Outback Steakhouse).

November 2 2009, Dear Cutman, At a recent game in Confederation I noticed in the second period you were basically standing next to the opposition trainer. He had a very new looking CCM helmet on, while you, the always debonair and polished gentleman, had on a very sharp looking homburg. My question, is wearing of helmets a new league rule, and are you wearing a special Royals Wear CSA Approved impact resistant piece of headgear.

Signed: FCF (Fashion Conscious Fan)

Dear FCF; I was also admiring the opposing trainer's headwear. I personally feel the lid he was wearing was a little undersized and I wondered to myself, what size of shoe horn did he use to pry that bonnet off and on. As to your question, I am not aware of any league rule requiring coaching staff and trainers to wear CSA protective headwear during a league game. If that rule does come into existence, I am confident that my chapeau will pass the very stringent safety codes of the CSA. I do have a bit of an advantage because Cutman Polytechnic's Research and Development Dept. is a Government of Canada CSA testing site. Like Archie "The Stomper" Goldie would tell Ed Whalen when asked if his Lumberjack Boots were legal to wrastle in..."Ed you little parasite, these boots have been passed by the APWA". End of story.

Sept. 3 2009, Dear Cutman, Fourteen years ago I was honored by the Edmonton Royals and the Canadian Scottish Sociality with an offspring from Molly the Lamb. My lamb, Holly, has given me great pleasure and enjoyment over the years. As I have a new lamb this year I was wondering if there was anyone on the staff that might be worthy of the gift of a UWE in this up coming month.

Signed HEY YOU

Dear Hey You! Congratulation's on the arrival of your spring lamb. I remember Holly, she was very cute, but just a little undersized (she was the runt of the litter). The average life span of a sheep is about 12 years, although they have been known to live as long as 17. Holly is in her golden years now and may not be able to adjust to a new family environment and routine. I suggest that you make her time left as comfortable as possible. This may require deflating her regularly and massaging her with baby oil, to keep her skin smooth and supple. Having a older ewe around will be handy during the transition period of breaking in the new lamb. Good luck and I'll see you around the rink.

June 11 2009, Dear Cutman, Had a chance to see you out on the golf course, you were, the best dressed, golfer-guy, my???? is. Was that the summer 2009 collection of ROYAL GEAR" and where do you get that "GEAR"?

Signed regards ROYAL fan

Dear ROYAL fan; Thank you for noticing. The Royal Gear that the Royals have designed and ordered every year is produced in limited quantity, making it highly coveted by fashion collectors world wide. Unfortunately this years selection is now depleted. Please keep in close contact with the Cutman, the Royals Vice President of Hockey Operations, Style, Deportment and Attire, as to when the new 2009/10 Royals Gear will be hitting the fashion runways of London, New York, Paris and Milan. Right now, I'm interviewing super models Kate Moss and Gracie Carvalho, to walk the runway wearing the new Royals Gear at the Pre-Fall show in Milan. These negotiations are quite time consuming, but I feel it my duty to insure that the Royals are properly represented on the International fashion scene. Thanks again for the question and I'll see you around the rink and the links.

March 11 2009, Dear Cutman, Is there any truth to the rumor that Side Show Bob is in Florida to try and stop a hostile takeover of the Royals by the cross town Miami Retirement Home.

Signed - Royals Shareholder

Dear Shareholder: Side Show is in Florida to take part in the CJHL's General Managers Meeting. The CJ is looking at some minor rule changes, a couple of expansion team applications and to quell the rumors of the Royals moving to Florida. Albeit, this retirement home is full of snowbirds and Royalamaniacs and they truly miss their Junior 'B' hockey, but the cost to move an Edmonton based team like the Royal to Florida is far more than they want to pay. There is a rumor that a Southeast Edmonton Junior 'B' team (with a lower market value), has expressed an interest to move their team out of a Barhead league and head south. Side Show has seen a short, rotund, big bellied fella wearing a fedora and driving a 1986 Plymouth Volare, nosing around the Florida retirement home. So all I can tell you is "Time will Tell". Thanks for your question and I'll see you around the rink.

TO ALL THOSE WHO THOUGHT THE CUTMAN WAS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS:

Please don't pay the ransom... I've escaped. As some of you may know, Mrs. Cutman is expecting a little Cutman in March 2009, just in time for the CJHL Championships. But what you may not be aware of is Cutman has been working overtime to fill a void in Alberta Health Care system. The Cutman has found a real need for Midwives (professional people to assist in the delivery of babies). Firstly, it meant setting up a Midwifery Technology at Cutman Polytechnic, finding creditable professors and the necessary space and resources to provide the highest quality, program available. Secondly, starting a company for these new graduates to apply the newly learn skills. Thirdly, getting the new company... "Midwives 'R' Us" off the ground and ready to trade on the new York Stock Exchange. Now things are progressing along and I'm finding the time to get to your letters to Ask the Cutman. I'm going to answer all your questions in this one E-mail.

PHANTOM asked it he slept through his birthday celebration or are saving up for the BIG one next year? Well Phantom I believe that 49 is not the Big one (50 is the Big one), so you must have slept through it.

SORE HANDS asked is there some new technology in hand protection to stop cuts and steel slivers and still keep the hands slip free? sore Hands, the latest from Cutman Polytechnic on hand protection is a leather form fitting deerskin glove, infused with a space aged polymer coating to repel oil and grease and all the while providing a vise like grip. These revolutionary gloves have not hit the market yet, so look for them in a "Gloves 'R' Us" near you soon.

RUPTOWN asked if the Cutman knew where tickets would be on sale for the Ruptash/Vanderham number raising, he also asked for some words of wisdom to help both his wife and himself though the long nights ahead they are expecting when their new baby arrives? Well Ruptown ticket sales and distribution were handled through "Tickets 'R' Us" and subsidiary of "Midwives 'R' Us". As far as how to get though the very tiring days and nights of raising a new family...good luck.

WARM IN ASIA asks if Cutman can in lighten the readers with a few uses for Tiger Balm. Actually Warm in Asia, Cutman doesn't use or promote the use of Tiger Balm. Cutman Polytechnic and my crack team of researchers (the world's leading botanist, chemist and the cutest darn pharmacist you've ever seen) have developed the incredible SCRUB (Super Cutman Rub). All you do with the SCRUB is "Rub it on where it hurts" and the pain goes away. If you want to know what to use Tiger Balm for ask someone in Thailand or Vietnam.

Soooooo, again I'm sorry for the delay in answering these questions and I'll endeavor to answer new questions in a timely manner. In the words of the Midwifery Technology motto.... tear up some clean sheets and boil some water, STAT.

Jan 24/09 Sawadeecrup Cutman, As I travel through Thailand and Vietnam I have learned of many new uses for one of your old favorites, Tiger Balm. Could you share with your readers a few of these uses that they might not be aware of?

Warm in Asia

DEC. 9/08 Dear Cutman, I was wondering when the tickets would be going on sale for the Ruptash/Vanderham Jersey Number Raising Ceremony @ Confederation? Also I would personally like to congratulate you on the news that you are once again becoming a Father. My wife and I too are expecting and were wondering if you could offer us any words of wisdom to help us get through the long nights ahead? Please wish all the Boys and Coaching Staff a very merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Good luck in the second half.

Signed: Ruptown

...........Where oh where is the answer?????

SEPT. 26/08 Dear Cutman, Recently I have been getting lots of cuts on my hands and steel slivers. Now I know that the Cutman doesn't really like to wear gloves for the most part, but I was wondering if you had any suggestions of how to protect my hands from the abuse they receive day in and day out. Perhaps there has been some breakthrough research @ Cutman Polytechnic in hand protection. They would have to be slip free Because they would get covered in grease and resistant to cutting (from what I hear that is your specialty). I would appreciate it if you could respond in a timely manner, because I shouldn't be out here working much longer.

Your pal,

sore hands

..............Where oh where is the answer???

SEPT. 12/08 Dear Cutman, It seems like the last 48 years there was a great Sept. Birthday party. Did I sleep through this years addition or are we saving up for the BIG one next year???

Signed The Phantom

..................Where oh where is the answer???

Feb. 6/08 Dear Cutman, I looked at last years stats and Kory Ebel seemed to show up to at least half the games, but this year he is no where to be found. I heard he was a "BAND-AID" and, "PLAYS WITH THE PUCK TO MUCH" kind of player. I hope not cuz a friend of my friend's mom's dad's son said that he might be back in action. If so what would u advise he do to get back into shape quick??

Signed ???

Dear ??? (if that is your real name), Well, Kory is the quintessential Royal. Played hard every night and bleeds black and green. Last year Kory had a job that did not allow him to play as much as he or the coaching staff would have liked. But, I'm sure you are aware of the Royals mission statement <which is much to long to type in>, and let me say that some of our youth have decided to enter the work force, rather than school and they deserve the same consideration. Kory has never been a "band-aid", Kory is a Royalamaniac who expects the very best from himself and his teammates. Sometimes this may have caused him to over handle the puck and oh well. Royals are strong because of all the Royalamaniacs in the stands, on the ice, across the country and around the world and Kory is just one of a multitude. Oh ya start running, lots, and maybe some push ups.

Jan. 15/08 Dear Cutman, As my grasp of the Thai language is rather pathetic I will turn to you for some medical advice. The mosquitos here in Thailand are ruthless, they attack without fear and remorse, My legs are covered in little red bumps and they itch like crazy. I've tried Singhai beer, Tiger beer, San Miguel beer and even Kloster beer. What would you recommend I try next. I toss and turn all night and my "Bar Fines" are getting pretty pissed off with me. They are even threatening to leave early. Please help me. GO ROYALS!

Signed Swollen in Bangkok

Dear Swollen: It sounds like you're in a terrible predicament. I suggest you hire a little scratcher for a few Baht a night to tend to your tender tootsies. With a little luck, your hire hand will take care of anything else that pops up. Good luck and we'll see you around the rink.

Sept. 27/07 Dear Cutman, Just a quick note to say thank-you for your reference to the Royals private doctor, for my son, a Seera Midget hockey player. On the same day my son was to be fitted for a 6 week cast on his fractured wrist, you were able to get your private doctor to take a look at his wrist. He fitted my son with a light weight/compact cast and asked him to come back in 7 days for a recheck. It seems the x-rays showed no signs of a fracture, but if there is still pain after 7 days then a small bone may be fractured. If no pain in seven days then the cast will be removed and hockey/school is back on. Go figure!!!! I arrived home last night after bantam evaluations and my son came into my office (garage) and the smile on his face is back as well as the bounce in his step, it was great to see. This once again shows that being a Royalamaniac has its privileges, and all that late night, trash talk, with coach Scotty in my office does pay off, contrary, to what the wife says. HAIL TO THE CUTMAN!!!!

Regards Art Wilson (fan)

Dear Art, You are welcome. The Cutman's credo and the motto of Cutman Polytechnic "haud Royalamaniac ero unus" (no Royalamaniac will be alone) is what I live by. I will do anything in my power to help a Royalamaniac. I would also like to thank you for all the volunteer work you do for minor hockey and the youth of Edmonton (Go Outlaws). Thank you and Good Luck.

April 29/07 Dear Cutman, I couldn't help but notice that the itinerary for the 2007/08 training camp has been somewhat prepared. It is to my understanding that this camp is extremely competitive with talented superstars coming from all over the world and screaming fans filling the bleachers night in and night out. As my dreams begin to intensify and my focus narrows in on the fast approaching dates, I realize that I must begin to get ready. I have been told that you are an expert on monitoring and maintaining the superior physical health of the Royals, so it is you who I have come to seek advice. Over the course of the next four months, what should I do to best prepare myself physically, mentally, and psychologically for the challenging task that lies ahead?

Signed, A Future Prospect

Dear Future Prospect, I receive at least one of these type of questions every springtime. I don't know if it's the melting of the snow and ice and the realization that the season is over or if it's because there's a feeling that sooooo, many things were left undone from the previous season and we don't want that to happen again. Coming into training camp; in shape and ready, is important to every Royalamaniac. For example the coaches go through a rigorous off season. We must scout perspective watering holes to conduct our post game analyses. This includes sampling their wares and adjudicating their purveyors of same. You can always tell how good the off season scouting went by the coaches girth (the coaching staff like to be in midseason form on the first day of training) and this should be your mantra. All Royalamaniacs should be in midseason form on the first day of camp. As I have replied in previous Cutman Corner columns, Dragon Boat Racing and Putt Bo are 2 great ways to stay fit during the off season. Anything that makes you sweat and keeps your mind sharp will do the trick. Good Luck and I'll see you in August.

February 8/07 Dear Cutman, Mmmmmmmmm! Why is it some people put their mouth in motion, before putting their brain in gear?

Signed Just Wondering

Dear Just Wondering, Why is it better to appear a fool, then, open your mouth and remove all doubt? At Cutman Polytechnic, Sociological Department, Dr. Phil is heading my crack staff of the world's leading Chemist, Botanist, the cutest darn pharmacist you've ever seen, to try to answer your age old question. This study is far from being completed, but the early test results are quite stunning. The study has found that there is a group of people, in society, that suffer from delusions of grander. This same group of people also believe that continually hollering, yelling and degrading a person, will make that person come over to your side (the dark side), because this person really likes the abuse. The strangest result that has come out of this study so far is, the group of people most exhibiting these characteristics, all live in the "hood". Thank you for your question and I hope to see you around the rink.

January 26/07 Cutman, I heard that you are going to do a similar column called "Ask the Cutman" for a local volleyball club. Does that mean you've gone gay?

As a Syndicated advice columnist, I'm bound to a strict set of rules and guide lines. The integrity of the advice columnist code is paramount. The 1st thing you learn at "Cutman Polytechnic" Advice Column Technology, is never and I mean never, answer or give advice to a question that is unsigned. I'm sorry, but when the Cutman took the Advice Givers Oath, I swore on a stack of bibles and a 8 x 10 glossy of Erma Bombeck, to adhere to these hallowed rules and guidelines.

December 28/06 Dear Cutman; Many great goals were scored in the first ever Kali's Game. Maybe the goaltending was a bit off, Dan the goalie looked a bit like a frenchman... Who was that in net? Rumors of Royalamaniacs returning to form not only on the ice but in the dressing room. How can the Royals of today, and the future turn that devastating defeat to the alumni Royals into success in future Kali's Games? What was in their waterbottles??? Can Royals of past, present, and future coexist on the same ice with only one winner? Oh, what is the Cutman's Christmas beverage during the holiday season? And once I'm in the holiday spirit (after a few too many pops) is it OK to think only about things like Russian supermodels?

Signed By the losing team

Dear Losing Team, For the first ever Kali's game. I thought it was great. In the Cutman's eyes there were no losers. The alumni Royals look like they haven't lost a step....except, Blair has forgotten how to pass, Hollie has forgotten how to backcheck and Tee has forgotten how to stop a puck. Lover looks like he's the only alumni Royal that has been playing a highly competitive level of hockey and has continued his commitment to keeping his body in the finest shape, without the use of steroids. The organizing committee has already started working on next years game. Tickets will be going on sale next spring. This event will promises to be the social gala of 2007 with all proceeds going to the Cutman's favorite charity, Cutman's Abode For Bad Girls. Soooo, remember to leave the 3rd Thursday of December 2007 open. Hope to see you around the rink and have a safe and Happy New Year. Your Pal.

November 7/06 Dear Cutman; It has been a long time that I have been wondering, but last year in the playoffs somehow the 21 year olds on your team received "ANONYMOUS" blue synergy's. I was thinking that really we may have to thank this "ANONYMOUS" man for the success that was brought by these blue synergy's! So my question to you is... can you reveal whom this "ANONYMOUS" backer of the Royal is?

Signed Curious of the Royal Magic

Dear Curious, The Cutman is unaware of who this mystery person is, but maybe we can deduce the identity of this person or persons, together. Firstly, you are assuming that this person is a guy. Could the "ANONYMOUS" backer be a group of people. Maybe a retirement community in Southern Florida. Maybe a retirement community of Alberta snowbirds who miss their favorite sport. Maybe a retirement community who are building a "state of the art" arena and are looking for a hockey team to play is it. A team this group can call their own. Maybe a retirement community that felt a gift of expensive hockey sticks might show everyone that they are genuine. I know the Royal's owner (our own international Man of Mystery), has always said the Royals are not for sale, but who can explain his 2 resent trips to Florida. Who can explain his absence at the arena. All the Cutman knows is, there is something afoot, something doesn't smell right, something's fishy. All we can do is wait for an announcement. The only other explanation the Cutman has....maybe Scotty found them on the side of the road on his way to the arena. Stranger things have happened. Thanks for the question, see you around the rink.

November 7/06 Dear Cutman; I have been wondering the last couple days how you get your astonomic task of being the"CUTMAN". I mean you have your "CUTMAN" bag, your "CUTMAN" shoes and even a "CUTMAN" table. But recently it has been brought to my attention that the "CUTMAN" vise has been M.I.A. So my question to you is how a man of your talents and extreme abilities do without such a corner stone tool like a vise?

signed, the vise

Dear Vise......if that is your real name, what the heck does astonomic mean? If you mean astronomic task, well it might seem like that to the outsider, the fans in the stands, the dude driving the Zamboni or the league exec's in their ivory towers. The Cutman does what the Cutman does and the Cutman doesn't need a vise. The vise threw the Cutman table out of balance. The vise made the Cutman table hard to store. The vise was more trouble than it was worth. The vise is now being used as a boat anchor and it's doing a fabulous job. The Cutman has a vise-like grip (which you will attest to if you've ever shaken the Cutman's hand), that con be used in hundreds of different positions (the vise can only be used in one position). Soooooo,I hope I've answered your question and have finally put this vise controversy to bed. Hope to see you around the rink.

November 3/06 Dear Cutman, I have a question to ask of you. I have noticed that all City of Edmonton rinks now have defibrillators installed. Question, do the Royals have their own and if not how would the Cutman revive someone, if is a rink that is not so equipped? With all the OLD GEEZERS on the bench, I'm sure the day is not IF but WHEN will you need one.

Signed, Concerned about our elders

Dear Concerned, The Cutman does not have such a device in his arsenal, but when I do my pre game risk assessment of the facility and the Cutman bag, I make sure my stock of 9 volt batteries are fully charged. I have found that if you put 12 - 9 volt batteries in series and lick the positive and negative connectors, it will give you a big enough jolt to kick start your heart and give you that curly perm you've always wanted. Your tongue may be a little sore for awhile, but with your heart beating again and that classy new coiffeur, it's all worth it. As far as OLD GEEZERS on the bench, there is only 1 really old guy on the bench and if you compare his age to the pyramids in Egypt or the life of a star in the night sky, he's really quite young. Thanks for the question and I'll see you around the rink. Your Pal.

October 16/06 Dear Cutman, I know that a lot of Love was put into "Packing the Pail" on Thursday but it was short of your skillful art of doing so. My question to you Cutman is. What is your secret to having all of them fit into the pail and thus creating the "Perfectly Packed Pail". (3Ps)

Signed, A Thirsty Royalamaniac

Dear Thirsty, The technique of packing the pail has been refined over many, many years. Firstly, I must tell you that there is a 6 month course at 'Cutman Polytechnic' called "Packing the Perfect Pail". My crack team of researchers (the world's leading botanist, chemist and the cutest darn pharmacist you've ever seen) teach this intensive program and will teach how to pick the perfect pail, they will try to answer the age old question "Slush or Powder"?, which part of the Zamboni hopper has the best snow, they will teach you to do the calculations needed to layer the correct number of cans in the pail (for both the regular and the tall boy), Josh Klausen will teach how to create an Arctic low pressure zone in the pail to keep the cans at the perfect temperature. As you can see there are many factors and techniques involved in packing the perfect pail. Soooo, I suggest you apply to attend the next semester at 'Cutman Polytechnic', where a little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

October 2/06 Dear Cutman, I too have noticed this odor in the official home barn of the Royal. It seems to me I have smelled it else where, but I just can't put a finger on it. Is there any thing in the big blue bag that, if not get rid of it, at least mask it. I'm sure you are giving the players something to settle their immune systems down. You may have to tell the rest of us what it is so we can prepare ourselves on game nights.

Signed, #1 Royal

Dear #1 Royal, Your olfactory senses are working 100%. There is a noticeable smell in the Royals official barn. A smelly, smell! A smell similar to a spineless jellyfish or anchovies. This smell is rumored to be the reason a certain arena, in the hood, has been shut down. Barring fumigation, the only remedy would be to buy a set of swimming nose plugs from the Confederation pool personnel. I have mobilized my crack team of the world's leading chemists, botanists and the cutest pharmacist you ever seen, to start working on a personal deodorizer, for the Royal faithful. This product will not just mask the smelly, smell, but eliminated it. "Stench-be-Gone" will be available in fine stores soon and it will make a great stocking stuffer for Christmas. Sooooo, if you happen to fall in the North Saskatchewan or watch a Royals home game, "Stench-be Gone" will eliminate that awful river smell. Hope to see you at the rink.

May 31/06 Dear Cutman, How many changes of cloths should a guy take with him when he goes golfing? Is it true that you are also an expert in the art of mud sliding?

Signed, a guy with a big bag

Dear Big Bag, If you've golfed in Alberta, you know if you don't like the weather....just wait 5 minutes. Sooooo, being properly attired for golf can be quite perplexing. The Cutman has been working with a top notch clothing designer on his own line of golf clothing (look for this line in a golf store near you). These clothes fold up so small you can carry several shirts and an extra pair of pants that have zip off legs, in your Cutman Utility Belt. This line of clothing is revolutionary in concept and design. Soooo, when you're waiting for the weather to break on the 6th tee box and decide to do a little mud sliding or you're just clumsy and fall in a water hazard looking for someone else's ball, (or club) you've got some spare clothes. Thanks for your question and remember to keep your head down. P.S. Look for other Cutman clothing lines in fancy men's shops soon. Tux in a Cutman Utility Belt, Kilt in a Cutman Utility Belt and 3 Piece Suit in a Cutman Utility Belt.

March 27/06 Dear Cutman: During my time spent with the Royals I have noticed that besides being incredibly talented on the ice, the players and staff are riddled with other natural endowments such as singing, two fisted drinking, head banging, popcorn making, chili eating and cherry picking. Legend has it some Royals can even deflect full cups of coffee with their heads! Is this something that you scout for in the off season? Can it make or break a player wanting to join the team?

Signed, A Non Bus Person

Dear Bussy, The Royal try to recruit well rounded players (not the same kind of roundness as the coaching staff). This recruiting is a 24/7 project. We are constantly on the look out for Royal material. It maybe as easy as talking to a player at a football game or hearing from a out of town Royalamaniac, telling us about someone who is coming to Edmonton to go to school. We Just recruit good young men who are honest and trust themselves and their teammates and the rest as they say "is history - in the making". The only thing that can make or break a player, is the player. I hope this answered your questions and I look forward to seeing around the arena.

April 4/06 Dear Cutman, First off, a huge congrats to the Royals for once again hoisting the CJHL Championship trophy. Only one night and word has spread that a new kind of Royal victory lap has been born. However, there has been one question on my mind, and the Cutman, being a competitive perfectionist and rather superstitious, may be the only one who can answer it. Any student of history will tell you that history seems to repeat itself. The last time the Royals captured the League Championship, it was also on the Big Ice of Clareview Arena. And so I have to ask the Cutman if he knows something the rest of us Royalamaniacs don't? Is there secretly a can of Old Mill buried at center ice, like the 2002 Olympics? Or maybe, there really is something extra in the famous Royals Glue that the Cutman dispenses? Could it be that dragon boating isn't the only Asian tradition the Cutman has picked up? Does the Cutman secretly practice Feng Shui to rid the dressing room negative energy and provide good fortune and long life? Or did he have the Dalai Lama bless his lucky Tim Hortons cup while he was spelunking in Tibet? Or, Cutman, is it simply that nobody can handle the Royal Speed on the Big Ice, not even the home team!?

Signed, Royalamaniac #35

Dear #35, For a fellow who was going to ask 1 question, there sure is a lot of question marks in your Dear Cutman. The victory lap will go down in Royalamaniac folklore (reminiscent of the movie Slap Shot). Whatever the land of Royalamaniacs don't know, the Cutman does. The Royal have been unable to bury Old Mil cans under the ice of city arenas (a special bylaw passed by City Council in 1999). But, there are Old Mill pull tabs (courtesy of all the Royalamaniacs watching the Royals) hidden in all arenas. The glue (that's whatever is in your glass) that binds the Royals, is a state of mind, a mind set that knows 'speed kills'. The Royals have been practicing Feng Shui (the Chinese art or practice of positioning objects, especially graves, buildings, furniture and hockey players based on a belief in patterns of yin and yang and the flow of chi that have positive and negative effects) for many, many years. As you know, the Royals have been positioning hockey players on the ice (since the beginning of time), that have a negative effect on all opposing teams. The Dalai Lama has the Cutman on speed dial. We converse regularly on many issues (being the spiritual leader of Buddhism, weighs heavy on the Dalai and he often likes to just kick back, call me and just talk Royals hockey). Angus Love is in Tibet right now trying to get the Dalai to take the weekend off and come to Grande Prairie. If anyone can get the Dalai Lama to come to the Provincials, it's Angus. #35, you know and I know nobody can handle the Royals speed (on big ice of small).... period. Hope you make it up to Grande Prairie, maybe we can tell some old bus ride stories over a nice, cold glass of glue.

March 29/06 Dear Cutman, I'm a long time reader first time writer, I have been known as the #1 Royalamaniac and I was wondering. What do you think is the best mixture to have in my water bottle for the game on Saturday night to help the boys end the series??? Oh yeah and you look amazing in those pictures at the Bullet.

Thanks 'The Budman'

Dear Budman, It's always great to hear from long time Royalamaniacs. I have had George (the Royals expert on bringing contraband into all sorts of places) chairing a committee made up of the world's leading chemists, doctors, botanists and the cutest damn pharmacist you've ever met, researching this question. It has been an arduous and time consuming project and they are just finalizing and compiling their study results. These double blind tests were conducted under the strictest guidelines set down by NASA (National Arcane Spirits Association). The few meetings I've had with the research team has yielded some pretty amazing information. First, the type of spirit used, should be devoid of any smell (a grain spirit is preferred, but you can live dangerously and drink Southern Comfort if you wish). Second, the spirit should be contained in a inconspicuous canister (perhaps a hip flask, George's favorite - tiny sample bottles or a Royal classic - a mickey stuffed into a mitt/glove with the neck of the mickey sticking out the finger hole and the mitt part covering up said finger). If your hands are big enough one mitt/glove thingy can accommodate two mickeys (this gives you a choice of beverages and would really impress the fellow Royalamaniacs in your section). As far as the mixture of the bottle goes, many Royals carry in the straight goods and discreetly mix in the stands using a tightly huddled group of Royals for cover or a folded game program to disguise you actions. Have fun at the game Saturday ...... Confed should be ROCK'IN.

March 10/06 Dear Cutman, Just wondering if the Cutman is able to repair the ROYALS damaged ego after being beat 5 games in a row by a lowly bunch of nobodies in the Beaumont Chiefs who do not have a single player in the top 30 scoring for the regular season and have been winning most playoff games, by only a slim margin of the scoreboard, night in and night out.

Signed Chiefs Fan

Dear Chiefs Fan, "Lowly bunch of nobodies", I think you should give your team a little bit of credit. The Chiefs are a hard working bunch of players. The Cutman is good at repairing broken skates, torn shoulder pads, ripped gloves and stretched ligaments. The Cutman has repaired the odd goalie pad, helmet, broken hand and cut eyebrow. But the Cutman is more than a equipment repair guy, a get the injured player off the ice and repair him quickly guy. The Cutman is a supplier of the glue, a counter of players and yes a repairer of damaged egos, but there are no damaged egos in land of Royalamaniacs. The last time I checked the playoff format, the semifinals are a best of 7. Sooooo, I will see you at the rink tonight, come up and say hi.

Feb. 23/06 Dear Cutman, Me and the Boyz were sitting around having a few road pops after the 3-2 win over the Regals. We noticed how quickly you are to the aid of injured Royals and the amazing quick return to the ice of said players. We were also discussing the helmet cams the international referees are using and wondered if the Cutman would ever consider to be wired and wear a toque cam. We all thought this would be a great learning tool for all apprentice Cutmen out there. With a segment for pre game, game and post game, you could narrate your treatments etc. With your good looks, wit and charisma, this no doubt would lead to a documentary at the least and probably your very own reality series. (Stitch or No Stitch!)

Signed, An Old Royalamaniac

Dear Old Royal, It's great to hear from a seasoned, die hard Royalamaniacs like yourself. Getting on and off the ice quickly is the Cutman's trade mark, thanks to the Cutman's specially designed "Cutman Spikey Rubbers" (these are not available in stores yet and are not ribbed for her pleasure). If a Royal is down, speed is of the essence, repair the Royal on the ice or have him taken to the Cutman room. Either way, the Royals do it quickly and safely. Nothing slows down the flow of a game like watching a player, face down like he has his tongue stuck to the ice and waiting for 2 or more players to help guide the trainer out to access the situation. I like to think the Royals team speed starts with the Cutman (I don't know how many times the Cutman has heard, "are you finished already?". When it comes to having a camera attached to the Cutman's toque, any footage would best be used for a new reality show the Cutman has been trying to sell to the networks, "Royalamaniac Chickens Gone Wild". This idea has been a tough sell though, (Barrett's "Ho Train" hasn't been seen at many games this year), anyways a toque mess's the Cutman's hair. Thanks again for your input and keep those ideas coming. See you at the rink.

Feb. 5/06 Dear Cutman, I usually don't like to bug the Cutman more than once a year for advice...but I couldn't help myself when I saw the Royal killed off 19 powerplays in one game! Against the River Kings nonetheless. That is pretty amazing. As a fan of all the PKers out there, since I didn't see the game, I would imagine there was some good goaltending, hard work and of course, a lot of blocked shots. I know the Royal use real pucks when they practice blocking shots in practice. Does the Cutman cringe and prepare for the worst, scissors and gauss in hand, or does he smile gleefully because he knows results like this (19) will make all those bruises feel much much better after they're paired with two points. Good luck in the playoffs.

Signed P. Killer

Great to hear from you P. Killer, as an old Royal penalty killer, you remember the long hours of PK practice (with the real pucks). Not once did the coaching staff ask you to block a shot with your face (did you hear that Chris Marsh). The proper slide has you getting the puck in a well padded area of your body, that does not mean that the Royal round bellys are round because they are shot blockers. The Cutman never cringes when anything happens, on or off the ice, bruises are easily taken care of with the all new SCRUB (Super Cutman Rub). SCRUB is not yet available in stores and is prepared for me by a highly specialized team of chemists, doctors, botanists and the cutest damn pharmacist you've ever met (not you Willy). Now, the question I pose to you P. Killer, why haven't I seen you at any Royal games. The regular season is winding down and wouldn't it be nice to get to know the 2005/06 Royals before the playoffs start. As an alumni you will benefit from some great perks at home games, valet parking, special alumni section with cocktail waitress, special introduction of the public address system, access to the Room du Royale, game day media package, access to the pre game tailgate party and post game coaches meeting (where you can ask the coaches about the game strategy and adjustments). Sooooo, the puck is in your zone P. Killer, get out to a game.

Jan. 6/06 Dear Cutman, I read a great piece in the Journal's sports section Jan. 5th by Dan Barnes, titled 'Left Coast Losers'. Although it was a commentary about fans in Vancouver during the Junior tournament, be could have been in the stands of a some of the CJHL rinks lately. I quote 2 paragraphs from his article. "Perhaps it's just the classic mob mentality at play here. If you surround yourself with Neanderthals you can be sure to lose you hold on civility the moment things get heated." "So one leather-lunged clown becomes two, two becomes four, the gloves come off and the fight takes a dirty turn." He then goes on to say in the last two paragraphs, "It could be ignorance, poor sportsmanship, mob mentality or to much beer. It could be a lot of things. It should just stop." Sorry for my rant Cutman, I really don't have a question, just some good reading from a guy who says it like it is.

Signed A Great fan of Jr. B Hockey

Oct. 29/05 Dear Cutman, The Royals have had a good start, but are you worried that they are peaking to early in the season? Will this affect them in the long run?

signed (not signed)

To whom it may concern: Peaking, shmeaking. The regular season is 36 games long. Finely tuned athletes will peak and ebb many times during their season. All we can do is make sure they are fully prepared for each game and practice. Make sure they take care of their bodies and are aware that proper rest and nutrition are paramount to a successful season. The odd team building event doesn't hurt either. So, be happy with the Royals start, it is getting us closer to our 1st goal of the season (making the playoffs). But to be honest, the Royal are only really good at peeking down blouses and up skirts. --See you next Sunday.

Oct. 26/05 Dear Cutman, Despite the recent Royal loss to Sherwood Park, most Royalamaniacs are very happy with the start of the 05/06 campaign. A 7-1 start is quite impressive. But this is nothing new. It seems to be a yearly occurrence for the Royal, can the Cutman reveal any secrets to the fast start the Royal annually put together and can any of this advice carry over to other areas of life away from the friendly confines of Confederation Arena. I know the Cutman prides himself on preparation. Is this the key to early season success? If so, what other things do you prepare for when it comes to the daily dangers associated with being an Edmonton icon of sorts.

Sincerely, Buzzilinear

Dear Buzzilinear, It's great to hear from old Royalamaniacs. You must remember back when you donned the Royals green and black with gold, (and won a provincial championship), how many times did I tell the team....... Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. Mental and physical preparation should be your daily routine. The Royal fast start can be attributed to well prepared practices, pregame meetings and a focused team of Royals. The Cutman (Edmonton's icon of sorts) preparation starts each day by finishing the little gift left for him by the drink fairy. So, the only advice I can give to you is "the time it takes to prepare is never wasted", unless you have something more important to do. Hope to see you around the rink.

Oct. 19/05 Hey Cutman, The other day at my Wolverine game, one of my forward's was complaining of a headache, the question is; I was able to track down a Tylenol and I was about to give it to him when my assistant coach pointed out to me that this was not a good practice because it would mask the pain if an another injury was to occur. Is this true??

Signed confused COACH

Dear Coach, Thank you for this very good question. Tylenol or Aspirin are excellent products to use to handle the little aches and pains that occur during life and your assistant coach made a very good point. Monitoring your athletes carefully during games and practices will help you to make the dispensing decision easier. Was the head ache caused by a fall, hit or some other mishap? If so, further observation and maybe a trip to emergency is in order. If not, one Tylenol would not be a problem. But having said that, if you athletes are minors, permission from their guardian is strongly recommended. If symptoms persist an appointment with the athlete's family doctor is necessary.

Oct. 17/05 Dear Cutman, I'm still suffering with Epistaxis. I took your advice and went to Zaychkowsy Pharmacy and Veterinarian's Supplies. I told him about your suggestion. He gave me a box with very large pills that looked like bullets and said I should use one for the nose bleeds and one for the hemorrhoids once a day. For three weeks I took them faithfully even thou they tasted awful. For all the good they did, I might as well stuffed them up my nose and arse. Any other suggestions.

Signed still the Red Baron

Dear Red Baron, You have gotten half the directions correct. Going to your local Pharmacy and getting the prescription filled. I see Zeb Zaychkowsy gave you the popular Lone Ranger brand of suppository, better known as the silver bullet. The silver bullet is best used when you sit on it, but not as effective when put up your nose (it makes it hard to breathe). Preparation H in liquid form is better for the nasal application. Hopefully these new instruction will give you some better relief.

Oct. 16/05 Dear Cutman, Last Thursday I made a special trip to Fort. Sask. To watch the first place Royals play. I was totally in awe of your ingenuity with your ice slippers. I noticed you were having a very difficult time keeping the left one on. Then you came out after the first period and danced across the ice, with what else, duct tape attached to the slipper. Great thinking. A man of your obvious above average intelligence must have many other great uses for duct tape. I'm always looking for new and creative uses.

Signed Steve Smith AKA Red Green

Dear SS AKA RG, You are a very observant spectator. Back in the day, when the Royals were wondering how we were going to pay for the next Ref's bill (usually we paid these bills by cashing in our empty Old Mill cans), duct tape was used for everything from closing a gaping cut on a Royalamaniac, caused by an errant puck or repairing a tear on a pair of hockey pants. Duct tape is still an important tool in the Cutman's arsenal. At last night's game, I used a piece of duct tape to repair a rip in my Cutman jacket. Duct tape is even good around the house.... I've used it to put my dog's ear back in place after a nasty altercation at the off leash park. Cutman's old Vista Cruiser had a least a roll and a half of duct tape holding it together and duct tape is approved by the Alberta Insurance Bureau and the Alberta Motor Association. Sooooo, the uses of duct tape are endless and only limited by your imagination.

Sept. 27/05 Dear Cutman, Can you help me with a very serious medical problem of mine. I suffer from I have seen you treat this condition on the bench many times. However, I'm not that excited about the prospect of your greased up index finger coming anywhere close to this body. I tried to find your best selling Cutman Manual and found it to be completely sold out at all book stores. Any advise?

Signed: The Red Baron

Dear Red, Epistaxis......bloody nuisance or ominous sign? Bleeding noses should never be taken lightly. There are several ways to stop this annoying problem. In the heat of battle, the Cutman always recommends his special ointment applied to the nares (external opening in the nasal cavity of a vertebrate; a nostril). This means a generous portion of the salve, placed on the tip of the baby finger and then inserted in to the nostril and rotated around to the second knuckle. Bleeding usually stops immediately. But, if my finger scares you and you don't have some of the Cutman's patented "Nose Bleed Away", go to you local pharmacist and get a tube of Preparation H. Preparation H is used to shrink blood vessels at the other end of your body and will work in your nose also. Don't tell anyone about the P-H treatment, because people will start calling you names ...Like "hey, asshole" of "hey, hemorrhoid nose". Sooooo, good luck with your problem and take care of yourself.

Sept. 12/05 Dear Cutman, How can I become Cutman junior? I understand that the position may be opening up because of a situation involving a black toe. The season is fast approaching and I need to know.

Signed - A. (interested)S.

Dear A.S.: Becoming a Cutman Jr. is not an easy task. Many scholars have posed the question "Is having Cutman instincts, nature or nurture?" To be honest the jury is still out on this one. All I can say to you is, try to walk a mile in the Cutman's shoes (I wear a size 11 EE). Sure everyone sees the flashy Cutman tending to a fallen Royalamaniac. Bolting across the ice with cat like speed and agility and having the necessary remedy or concoction in his Cutman Utility Satchel (look for the official CUS at a Wal Mart near you). If you're serious about becoming a Cutman Jr., follow him around.....but don't follow him to close (it makes the Cutman nervous). Watch how he handles the little, day to day situations, the things that just seem to magically get done. Packing the perfect snow pail, repairing a glove or shoulder pad with the skill of a South Asian seamstress, negotiating extra ice time and playing the ideal tunes during a practice, checking to see if the opposing team is playing with a legal roster, knowing that when working the defense gate that it's 2 in and 2 out. These are just a few of the countless Cutman duties. If I haven't scared you off and you're still interested, please fill out a Cutman Jr. application form (forms will be available on the Royals web site). Forms must be notarized and accompanied with 3 references and a flat of beer (the flat of beer is a processing fee and will not be returned). Good Luck!

Jan. 31/05 Dear Cutman, Dennis where are you when we need you? Excruciating skull cramps every morning!! As the team can't afford to send you down to help - please analyze and post on net. Awaiting your wise words - while sitting on the beach, with the ocean in the background and the pounding of the waves - or my head. Good Tequila.

Signed - Sideshow is back.

Dear Sideshow: Hmmm. In my professional opinion it's time for drastic action. Your malady can be cured by 3 simple steps: 1. A concoction of hops, barley, yeast and mountain fresh water. 2. Unfertilized chicken descendants marinated in acetic acid. 3. Vitamins R,O,Y,A,L,S. You must consume large quantities of these STAT. But not alone - oh no! That would be disastrous. You must include as many Royalamaniacs as financially possible. Then take 2 aspirin and call me in the morning.

SIGNED, Mrs. Cutman

PS - What the hell were you doing in Mexico without the Cutman anyway?

WE DON'T KNOW WHY HE WON'T RESPOND TO OUR QUESTIONS!!

Dec. 26/04 Dear Cutman, I, as well as all the other world wide Royalamaniacs are concerned for your health. Where have you been? Is there a reason that you don't help us in need anymore? Have you given up your title as "SELF PROCLAIMED MAN OF ANSWERS"? Is it that unknown mustard problem? So many questions and never any answers.

Signed: Worry Wart

Aug. 11/04 Dear Cutman, I understand from your exercise background that you could be a specimen of biblical proportions. How do you know when to say when? I want to be fit when Royal camp starts but I don't want people pointing fingers at me because I also could be a Greek god type. Does cross training (no not cross dressing, you may be able to pull that off but I don't want to even try) work and is there anything you recommend, not Putt Bo it sounds to weird.

Signed: Phat Friday

Dear Phat, If you find Putt Bo not right for you that is OK. There are many exercise programs available to put your body in tip top condition. The perfect dry land/wet water program for Junior hockey players is Dragon Boat racing. This sport is run during hockey's off season and is great for increasing your cardio and improving your upper body and core strength.. It's also a great place to meet chickens and the participants are not against having a pop and socializing. Your local dragon boat club can fill you in on the details. The sport also has fun with clothing and make-up, so it could help you deal with your cross dressing phobia. Hope this is helpful.

Aug. 9/04 Dear Cutman, After reading your column I noticed that you are experienced with the use of cold cream, does this mean that you know all kinds of uses for cream (in it's many forms)? The only one that really matters is the sticky one - ice cream of course. Can it be built into a daily program to make me Royal fit?

Signed: Chocolate Thunder

Dear Chocolate Thunder, Creams are a important part of the Cutman's arsenal. I have special concoctions from the 4 corners of the world and I use them to keep the Royals pain free and ready to play. I have had many people ask me how they can incorporate ice cream into their daily training schedule. Ice cream is a beautiful dessert and excellent when smeared on you favorite chicken but unfortunately, it's not a very good part of getting Royal hockey fit. Ice cream is perfect if what you are trying to get into is Royal coaching staff fit. Soooo, decide what part of Royal fit you want to be in and fill your boots.

If you have a question to 'ask the Cutman,' please forward it to dsh09@telusplanet.net